My Mother

Now, my mom is an artist. My mom, once upon a time, loved fashion. She wound up pregnant at 16 and never got to pursue her talents. It was her choice, of course, to take the dangerous direction that lead to my oldest brother being born and 5 others thereafter.

I could never put into words how to explain why my mother resented us, as if it were our fault she didn't use any protection, until I saw the movie "Mother."  At the end of the movie the oldest son, who's a renowned author, realizes why his mother isn't affectionate, critical and not supportive. He finds her journals in a closet full of stories... great stories that she never tried to get published because her husband didn't want her to have a career.  He tells his mother "That past is a plot over our lives. You raised children that you hated for ruining your life and killing the chances of doing the one thing you loved".

What my mother doesn't realize, or perhaps does and resents it, is that her artistry carried on in her children and grandchildren. I believe she didn't want us to develop it out of jealousy and resent those of us who did pursue our gifts. My younger brother could draw well. He never received encouragement, let alone direction into pursuing it and never did... skill wasted! I love photography and videography. I showed her some of my work last time she was here and she never gave me one word of encouragement or said good job. One of her grandsons is a talented artist and plays guitar. All of her granddaughter's are artistic as well. One is a Fashion Designer and another just plain loves fashion. One, like myself, loves photography and yet another is studying to be an Interior Decorator. They too will never hear her say "Good job" or "you're good at that". 

Envy cont.

I was editing the video of the baptism I filmed and noticed that a Grandfather who was baptized with his 2 grandchildren kissed them on the head after each one was brought out of the water. My kids never got that affection from any grandparent. Later I learned that he accepted Christ because he saw what it did in his children/grandchildren's lives and he wanted to be sure he was in heaven with them... WOW, WHAT LOVE!

Envy

I feel envious of close families. Today is our church's Baptism Sunday. I see all the families there celebrating their newly baptized family member. They will leave and have celebrations full of family and friends... as it should be.
I was baptized when I was 13 years old.  Afterward we came home from church like any other Sunday without fanfare.
When my daughter was baptized, it was a big day for her and I made sure of it. Her Aunt (my sister) and a few close friends. There was no recognition from my mother (her grandmother) whatsoever.

My Daughter and Me

Someone once asked me if my daughter and I were best friends, since we are very close. We both said "NO" in unison and started laughing.
We can be close and still have a mother/daughter relationship. I'm very proud of her and tell her often. At this time in her life she doesn't want my opinion but I know when she's older and with a family of her own, she will.  I want her to be comfortable asking my advise. Times change and situations are different so I hope I can contribute some of my wisdom but on the occasions I cannot, I'll give her support.

I never go to my mother for her advise or opinion. Her advise turns into an exaggerated gossip opportunity to my siblings and who knows who else.
Example: When my son was about 10 I would ask him, before he went to play with his friends, if he had homework and picked up his room. He would say no on the homework and yes on his room as he's running out the door (typical 10 year old).  I mentioned to my mother that he wasn't being honest about this and I had to discipline him.  I began getting phone calls from siblings saying that Mom is telling everyone that he has a problem and he's a compulsive liar. That was the first and last time I told her anything personal.

Introduction

First of all this is in no way a tell all about my mother to get revenge. This blog is set up to let other women know they are not alone in their confusion as to why their mothers are distant, angry, jealous, vindictive or untrustworthy (or all of the mentioned).My mother is not a monster and she was not always the angry bitter woman she has become, however, the path to this point in our lives has been building since I was a child.I have two sisters, one older and one younger, who are going through this with me but I will not speak for them or about them unless a situation pertains to them and I have their permission. We are each on our own journey through this and, until recently, felt confusion as to what we did to our mother to make her dislike us.
There will be those of you who have endured this confusion all your life and those like me (and my sisters) who are only realizing now that it's been building up over the years and for us has reached a critical point.

Sisters circa 1977