First of all this is in no way a tell all about my mother to get revenge. This blog is set up to let other women know they are not alone in their confusion as to why their mothers are distant, angry, jealous, vindictive or untrustworthy (or all of the mentioned).My mother is not a monster and she was not always the angry bitter woman she has become, however, the path to this point in our lives has been building since I was a child.I have two sisters, one older and one younger, who are going through this with me but I will not speak for them or about them unless a situation pertains to them and I have their permission. We are each on our own journey through this and, until recently, felt confusion as to what we did to our mother to make her dislike us.
There will be those of you who have endured this confusion all your life and those like me (and my sisters) who are only realizing now that it's been building up over the years and for us has reached a critical point.
One of my earliest memories of neglect and/or abuse was when I was about 4 years old and my oldest brother and I went outside on a Saturday to find our Dad. We had a Gym next door to us and Dad would go over there sometimes. Of course Mom was still sleeping and we went out without shoes and probably still in our night clothes. Anyway, we went to the gym and opened the back door so we could see if Dad was in there. 2 men started heading towards the door to leave and we paniced. My brother slammed the door and started running across the parking lot. I began to run behind him and ran right through a puddle of water. Instantly I knew something bad had happened and when I looked down all I saw was blood. I had stepped on a broken pop bottle bottom. Next thing I know is Dad carried me to the house. Mom wrapped my foot in a towel and took me to the hospital. She yelled at me all the way there, while we were there and all the way home. After umpteen stitches, we got home and Dad carried me in and put me on the couch. I told Mom I had to go to the bathroom and she told me to crawl because Dad was not going to baby me. That I think was the first time ever that I realized that my Mom was not like other Mothers.
ReplyDeleteFeeling good about ourselves was unheard of in our family. If you did something and failed it was spoken about loud and constantly. If you did something and succeeded, it was never mentioned. It was almost like a punishment for "SHOWING OFF". I was a child who went out of my way to please my Mother. But all I ever seemed to do was annoy her. If she needed something, I was the first to jump up to get it for her. Yet no Thank you or anything. If I jumped up and so did one of my siblings to get something for her, we got yelled at for fighting over it. You just could not win in my house. I do not know at what point in life I stopped trying to please her and started trying to piss her off. But it was fairly early in life. I was never in girl scouts or anything my friends joined because Mom had already decided that I would never follow through with it so why bother. She used to say that you will never finish so why should I waist my time and money. So I stopped asking. She would make these decisions and make me feel as though I had made the choice myself. She wanted me to feel worthless to save herself the time or energy to put into me and my wants. I wasn't worthless.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was about 8 years old we were playing dress up indoors because it was raining outside. I was dressed in an old dress way too big for me and my new Easter shoes. We wanted something from our, creatively built, club house in the back yard and I was elected to get it. With my arms full I was heading back into the house when I tripped, either on the dress or the rake itself but landed on the steel rake right below my knee. I was terrified because I had to go wake up Mom from her nap and tell her. I wasn't disappointed in my anticipation because I was spanked for getting blood on my new shoes.
ReplyDeleteOne of my biggest regrets in trying to get EVEN with my Mother was the way I behaved about everything and everyone. I was pissed off at her but for some reason took it out on everyone else. I think now that I look back, I felt like I was the only one hurting. I was a child and didn't have the understanding or maturity to see that we were all being hurt in many different ways. Dad was never really there to protect us from her anger towards us. I think she intimidated him too. So, for the way I treated the ones that I truely did love... I am so sorry for making things even harder. This feels good.
ReplyDeleteI did the opposite. I began to live my life the way I wanted it to be in spite of her. By the time I was 16 I knew that I I was going to be the complete opposite of her, in how I raised my kids and lived my life. NO, I was no angel, but having Jamie as a friend in high school was my saving grace. After I went wild for about a year, she got me back involved at church and around healthier friends. I even made W go with me to church.
ReplyDeleteOur morals were damaged since we saw her have affair after affair. Nobody taught me to love myself and to respect my body. I had to realize this on my own, which I did, eventually. That was the most important thing I taught my daughter. She is a self confident, outgoing, moral and independent woman. Cycle broken!